— Felipe of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love
October 28, 2013.
Even now, I’m still in a state of shock on what happened. I still don’t fully accept it. I still cannot believe and really, I don’t wanna believe it either. I don’t know what to say. I just know few things to do—pray for her and comfort friends she had left.
It’s been a week after I was surprised with a news that one of Wesley’s close friends in college passed away. It was four or five in the morning when I heard the news. I was struck. I was speechless. I was.. I don’t know what happened to me. I knew her when we’re in college for she was one of Wesley’s bestfriends. We also became friends during Multiply days, where we share few thoughts and pictures of our own. Even before, I adore her. She was one perfect morena in my eyes (for I do adore morena rather than fair skinned). She smiles beautifully, she’s tall, she has cute hair may it be braided or bunned up on her head. All in all, she’s lovely. She’s a medicine student too, who will graduate, I think two years from now. But, in an instant, everything was gone. She. Was. Gone.
My spirit has been low because of this news. Something was going on with my heart. And being the Mio that I am, I try finding that out.
Then, I realized that this is what it’s all about:
"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." (Psalm 90:12)
I was amazed with God after being reminded of this verse. Imagine, God already knew how forgetful humans can be so He included this life verse in His Word. God knew it so He wants us to be reminded by it. He wants us to stick this verse to our hearts that we may stop in a while and think of what really matters to us most. Are we doing something that made those who matters to us feel that they do matter? Do we spend enough time for people whom we love? People whom we haven’t seen for years and been longing to bond with them, but still, not doing any planning to meet them soon?
I was awakened. Literally. I thought about people I love, people that matters to me. I asked myself questions, Have I been spending enough time with them? Have they been feeling that I appreciate their life, that I love them, that they’ve been one of the reasons why I’m the person that I am now?
Life has been short. Too short for some. And yet, do we think of how we’ve been spending it? If we know that we will die anytime soon, what difference are we doing now? More importantly, when that time comes, when your earthly body needs to stop breathing, are you confident enough that you will be with Jesus in heaven? I pray that you would.
I thought of Pin earlier when I was singing, Think of Laura. I saw Pin between the lines, Taken away so young, taken away, without a warning. That was so her. I loved Pin. Even if I’m not too close to her. I just thanked the Lord for the few years I’ve known her and been part of her life. I know that she’s happy now, smiling so big, for she’s in heaven, with the one who created her, with the one who allowed her to live the life that she’d had. Thanks Pin! You’ll surely be missed!
It started one night. It was dark. I was staring blankly at the window, silently asking myself, Why can’t I meet those deadlines? Why can’t I be the best daughter, the best “ate”? Why can’t I share what I wanted to share by how I planned it to share? Why is everything seems so hard for me? Why?
And then a thought came. I believe it was an inner voice from my heart. I know it came from a voice so familiar, like I’ve known that voice so long ago, even before I was born.
It was like He’s saying, "Mio, it’s okay to make mistakes. It only proved that you are indeed human. I know that you’ve been raised like making a mistake was a one big thing but hey, you’ve already found Me. You already found My love. And I told you that My love through grace has always been sufficient for your weaknesses. You already knew that how many errors you may make, how many failures, I still love you. You are my daughter. There’s nothing you can do to make Me love you more or less. I love you for who you are. And I wish that you will love yourself the same."
Tears were forming. But I tried to stop it. For I was on my way to work. I just knew that when I get out of that bus, I was a new person. A person whose making room for failures, making room for mistakes, making room for accepting myself as only a human being. It’s a start. A good start. I worked that night with confidence for Someone up there made me feel secured and loved.
Few days passed.
It was a Monday. At around ten in the evening, I went to Jollibee (one tricycle ride from home). I went there to have my daily devotion for I know that I was off from work that day and the next day would be an off again. I ordered my fave spaghetti, and fries. I sat on a two-chaired table and started transferring my past devotions from my phone pad to my notebook. Then I was surprised by a text from Grace, who was a workmate and a friend.
"Mio, nasan ka na?," she asked.
My first reaction was, “May lakad ba kami ngayon? Why was she asking?” And suddenly, I felt the need to check my schedule. Unfortunately, I have work that night, which means, I must be at the hospital by ten PM. But hey! What time was it? It was almost ten thirty when I learned that I should be on duty.
I panicked. I started packing up my things and went home telling Mama what happened, and did a five-minute bath and preparation for oneself. On the first ten minutes after learning this, I was endlessly blaming myself. I was feeling so sorry. I was feeling mad. How could I misread my schedule? I was a planner. I planned almost everything. I am an OC most of the time. I can’t believe what had just happened.
And then I was reminded: Let go and let God. Just say sorry for you really ain’t aware, then proceed to your duty. There’ll be no good if I just continue blaming myself for it will only end up me being so irritated with myself at work and please expect the worst. And then I remembered that bus moment. I remembered how I was reminded to be human, who cannot make everything perfect.
I was moved by this. I know it was God all along. I know God has been pruning my character. For He knows that a lot of disappointments will come. A lot of failures will come. A lot of mistakes will be made and He just wanted to prepare me for those. He just wanted to tell me, to remind me that even those unfortunate circumstances may come, even if I make everything a mess, He will always be there for me, waiting with arms wide open. Smiling. For He knows that when that day comes, I already knew that He had use simple moments to be my teacher that I may not be overwhelmed with big ones. That no matter what happens, He is in control, may I be so perfect or not. He only proved that His love was the only perfect thing that I could have. Not any accomplishment. Not any work. Not any responsibility. It’s His love, only.
Happy season starter, Miss Perfectionist-A-Little-Bit-No-More! :D
— Liz of Eat, Pray, Love
— Liz of Eat, Pray, Love
Oo, gwapo si Coco. Effective naman ata ang Neozep (never tried kaya di ako sure :P, Sorreh). Pero ang dahilan ng blog na ‘to ay di dahil sa kanila, sa isang sitwasyon na napansin ko lang sa ad nila.
Yung part na magaling na si Coco at pinagluto niya yung lola niya, with a hug.
Dahil para saken, isa sa mga definition ng gwapo ay ang lalaking di nahihiya kasama ang Mom/Lola niya sa picture at lalo na sa grocery store. Yung parang girlfriend lang kung ituring nila ang mga babaeng ito sa buhay nila.
Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Joshua Harris sa isa sa mga libro niya na tumatak talaga sa isip ko: Malalaman mo kung pano ka itatrato ng isang lalaking nanliligaw sayo na pwede mong maging husband bukas sa pagtrato niya sa mga tao sa bahay nila. Best example, sa Mom niya. Kung sumasagot yan sa Mom niya, wala yang pakialam, wag kang magulat one day, na ganyan ka din niya ittreat. Eh ganun yung totoong sya eh, nagpasikat lang nung nanliligaw. At surely, lilitaw din ang tunay na ugali after sometime.
Wala lang. Just a reminder for some of the ladies na hindi lang dapat gwapo physically, gwapo din sa attitudes. Mas awesome yun diba? ;) Tas inom inom din ng Neozep pag may time, sipunin days pa naman ngayon, maulan. HAHAHA. Makonek lang. :))
Good evening Tumblr! ;) And Coco na rin? :)) :3 HAHA
September 10, 2013.
That moment when you’re watching the television but your mind flies away, farther than what the screen can show you.
Mama told me what happened. Just a little misunderstanding, maybe? Or just a little I-chose-not-to-understand-you. Well, you know how husband and wives have pieces of these. And yes, they’ve just experienced one.
Maybe he was mad. But definitely he was lonely. He turned off every light on our living room, and lie comfortably on the couch. From what I can sense, he tries to entertain his self by playing something from his phone and he hadn’t succeeded.
What moved me was the thought that, really, what was he feeling? He seldom says what he feels, or worst, never. I’m not sure. He seldom tells what’s wrong. He never talk to anyone as a friend whom he can share even few pints of pain. Indeed, he was lonely.
I think, some would say, “Oh that’s just normal. Just let him be and he will get over with it after a few hours.” But really, you know what’s bothering me? It’s the thought that I knew things better for I was a family member, I was his daughter, and I grandiosely care about him.
One, he’s a Japanese. One of my girlfriends told me a story that love has never been part of their culture. And I’m talking about love that’s essential for relationships. Like in a family. They just keep things to themselves as much as possible and not tell a word to anyone at home. That’s him. Or maybe, he just doesn’t know how to start the conversation, how to speak up for matters like these. That’s how I feel for him.
Two, language barrier. No one in the family except Mama speaks and understands Japanese fluently. And what I was thinking was, so what if Mama prefers not to talk to him, to whom he’s gonna talk to? To whom he’s gonna share what he feels? I strongly agree that telling someone how you feel matters. You need to burst things out once in a while.
Three, he don’t have a God. Actually, I never asked that to him, but as I learned from their culture, money has been their God and that’s where my assumptions came from. More than that, their search for life’s meaning has still been a big question mark for me. His search for meaning. I wonder, does he even search for it?
So what now?
Empathy. I just learned that I have this gift, if it was actually considered as a gift for some. But you know what it feels like? You know what I feel when I consider myself on his shoes?
It was like problems was poured heavily on me. But I can’t tell it to anyone. And I don’t know if anyone cares. I don’t know how to start. I don’t know the words to say. That feeling when your heart aches so much and you have no means of relieving yourself from it. It just stays there trying to be filled by more and more heartaches until there’ll be no more room for other heartaches.
It was a burden for me. For I grew up never understanding the essence of relationship in the family and I myself still pray and try hard to be familiar with it. And really, starting the few steps has been way too hard for me.
Lord, more push for me on this matter. I know that I can establish relationship in this family with Your help. I know that it has still been part of your plan that no matter how imperfect my dad is, you’ll gonna use me to show everyone that there will be nothing that’s impossible for you. You can change the status of this family. You can change the heart of my dad, Lord. I believe in that. And yes, as I still wait for it each day, I promise to do little things for my dad that may add up to your wonderful plan. I will show him that I care for him. I will show him that I love him even if sometimes, I’m not sure on what I should do and so I’ll pray more. So that one day, he may realize, that You were indeed real, and you showed Your love for him through me. I’m looking forward to that day, when those tears that I had for him will be replaced with more intimate hugs and that the darkness I felt earlier, will be dissolved piece by piece and he’ll just gonna see your light, shining on our family. I trust on your unfailing love, Lord. Love, Mio.